WHY do I give myself things to do and then get frustrated by my own laziness? Why is it so damn hard to be satisfied? If you had a good meal you shouldn’t want dessert. I’m doing things “for my future” and that’s the only excuse I can come up with to keep doing things that I hate doing. The future isn’t even fucking motivating when you don’t know if it interests you at all. Then I’m just a pile of lard yelling at myself for not doing what I’m supposed to be doing even though what I’m supposed to be doing is a long list of “useful” shit that I came up with myself. Then I try to convince myself to be unconventional by not following through with my plans which I convince myself are aligned with corporate America’s schemes and I end up feeling guilty because every time you give up is just a negative measure of your willpower. Yeah but are these even conventions or just a way for me to hate myself because I don’t see anyone else doing this shit. I just keep complaining to other people about things I make up.

I don’t even get why I’m so down. It’s winter break and I’m going away tomorrow. I just want to eat cake and ice cream and cookies and cake and ice cream.


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