giving Thanks

I come across this problem sometimes. They say you look to a higher being, God ? during the lowest times. I remember I used to hear in church people say that the problem with people is that they turn to God when they need something. It’s only during the toughest times that you bargain with God and you say that you’ll be a perfect person if you grant me this wish and this wish only and then I’ll brush my teeth twice a day I promise.

I have no spiritual life at this point. I’m ambivalent about it. I feel like things are going well for me and I am very content.

I don’t know how to say this without sound trite, but I find myself searching for some spiritual being when I am grateful. When i feel gratitude ? I feel myself euphorically pleading-thanking (with the same tone as pleading but actually thanking) someone. I start saying thank you thank you in my head and I then I stop myself. Partially because I’m trying to be more deliberate with words but also because I have no fucking idea who I’m thanking. I guess I should thank the person/people who made whatever I’m thankful for possible because I no matter how confident you are, someone or many people helped you along the way. But that initial, immediate, wired-into-the-brain thanks always goes out to someone not human. For making this possible. I guess I’m thanking luck, chance, fortune. Or maybe someone else?

I don’t know.Tis a challenge

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