I’ve been thinking a lot

because I feel like my life is so cyclic. The problems that arise are always the same. They follow a template so strictly that at this point, I can predict exactly what will happen. Maybe not exactly because people are different and respond differently to different stimuli. But in a sense everyone responds in the same way. It’s so hard for me to understand being overtaken with emotion. I feel like I am pretty rational yet compassionate. When people just take the plunge before weighing the pros and cons, when it seems like they took no factors into account besides their own emotions, when they didn’t bother gauging the costs to themselves. I just want to shake the other person, WAKE UP! Find yourself in this mass of irrationality and madness.

In a way….(not that much) I’m grateful that life has happened this way because I can see my growth and development so clearly. I handle it better each time. But I also feel more negative about it each time. I feel like I used to blame the other person then as I matured I started blaming myself. But now I’m vindicating myself, not completely, but to a large extent.

Why do people not give me agency in deciding what is right for me. Since when are your emotions and feeling more valid than mine. I feel like I’m allowed to be angry about this. I’m allowed to be sad. For violation of my own rights. For being imposed upon. For being forced to feel something that I don’t.

Because it takes a lot of restraint from me. Change is hard for everyone even for the person who wants it. Even for the person who was happy with how things were but not how they are going. Just because it was comfortable doesn’t mean it is the right thing.

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