I’m proud of myself. For getting my principles and values in check. I think I was so caught up in the newness of things that I basically had no inhibitions, no restraints, I thought anything and everything was OK. But I’m over that.
I guess the conflict lies in the fact that a lot of times I don’t know why I believe in such things. Maybe, I’m flawed. Well, not maybe, definitely. There are two routes I could take. I could condition myself to change my views on certain things, or I could avoid these things just for my own peace of mind. But I think I’ve found that there is comfort in believing in something or holding yourself to certain standards and abiding by these. It has something to do with good character. Self-control is a virtue, you know. And living by a set of rules seems healthy, wholesome, standardizing.
MY struggle is this exactly: there are guys who are ‘interested’ in me and naturally, I am flattered. But when the guys are super douchey, I feel some sort of social obligation to reject their advances because conceding would only mean, I don’t know. Contributing to their ego, making them think that this sort of behavior is OK. Passivity is bad, encouragement is worse.
THe guys who booty call, the ones who are ‘interested’ but you aren’t friends with them and they would never introduce you to their friends. They will hang out with you alone for whenever they are free, and then enjoy themselves at parties that you are not invited to. This was something I was okay with in the past, but I find it so dishonest, shady, degrading now. WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU? A muse? An escort? It makes me feel like a concubine, hidden away from the social spheres of the family and friends.
Yesterday was the weirdest day for me. The starts were aligned in the universe or something because 3 guys from my past started up conversations with me again. Once again, I was flattered, but thinking about it retrospectively makes me want to vomit.