thank you, always

I think all the people who read this blog are not people who see me or speak to me regularly. I think they must have an inaccurate perception of me–a mixture of the snippets they take away from reading and my facebook feed and their own projections of images on me. It’s sometimes a little upsetting to think about because as much as I would like to say that I am capable of expressing myself through words, I really can’t. I think that people who read my blog must think I’m insecure and sad when that is not my personality, or I would like to think it’s not. When you’re talking to people online, how do you mediate the differences in moods and feelings. Sometimes I feel so nostalgic and peaceful and calm and I know that the person I’m talking to has no idea. 

There is a girl at my school who I know only tangentially through mutual friends. I have never formally been introduced to her and for some reason we are facebook friends and she appears on my feed a lot. I like a lot of her photos just because they are universally liked and she started liking my posts recently. I never really saw her in real life except at certain targeted audience parties. Well, I actually can’t recall seeing her at these parties I just assume she was there because I see photos on facebook in the next few days and I know her friends who I see at the parties. People you don’t know don’t really stand out in crowds. In the last few days, she started saying hi to me and I started noticing her in public more. I think I have seen her 5 times since two days ago and every day she has said hi to me in a really friendly way. And I just can’t help but think about the fact that we actually got to know each other through our facebook presences. I have never introduced myself to this girl and I know nothing about her besides her social network. I obviously already have subtle judgments of her and I suppose she has the same of me. I always find that when you meet people in this way, you can’t help but be bitter towards them. Judgment and jealousy are intrinsic in this type of relationship because it is so superficial. I don’t even know her, but I just feel negativity when we greet each other briefly as we walk in opposite directions.

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