I love today. It is so sunny and nice and I don’t feel burdened by anything. read: this was yesterday. Today was actually really rainy and cold. I was dressed really inappropriately because it was nicer this morning and this junior guy/person I know and am not really friends with but sometimes talk to for more than just hi stopped me and was like “put on a jacket.” with a really serious face and I didn’t know how to respond.
I can’t tell if I care that this blog has gone to shambles. I’m about to word vomit. I’m also a little afraid of writing longer posts because I don’t have the attention span to actually read it through.
My weekend was actually pretty good. I spent a lot of time with friends and I was very happy about that. Plus I was low stress which was the biggest relief. In the last few weeks, there has been so much attention brought to the fact that I’m single. I’m just so confused by this acknowledgement. I’m 18. Is it concerning that I’m single? I can’t help but laugh when I think about this. Several of my friends have suggested that I start dating. You know, putting myself out there so I can discover my type and embark on my journey as a mature, dating adult. But in seriousness, what? Do I seem really hopeless and helpless and desperate? I was thinking maybe my sporadic bursts of negativity and sadness translate to “she needs a boyfriend.” After the first few times, it started getting in my head and I started thinking to myself, does everyone have a boyfriend? am i supposed to have one and/or at least be searching? The more I think about this the more trivial it is becoming, but I swear it was a real 2 minute crisis. I couldn’t tell if I should be offended because people think I need a boyfriend or uh maybe grateful for having caring friends?
There have been times in my life when my curiosity has been piqued. Mostly when people I really like or admire enter into a relationship. I really wonder what it’s like and want one for myself just so I can get into their heads.
I’m trying to understand and analyze this situation, but I honestly don’t care. It’s making me conflicted, but only superficially because it doesn’t matter. I kind of like this new source of inquisitiveness and I’m egging myself on to be more invested in this because recently I’ve felt that my brain is so empty. I can’t even tell you what I’m thinking, what I like, what I dislike, what is bothering me, what is making me happy. I feel like I used to think and talk so much. I used to ask myself so many questions and overthink. Now I don’t think at all. I’m so complacent and indifferent and comfortable that I can’t even tell if I’m human.
Today at 4am, someone started talking to me about stars and the universe and then asked me if i find it comforting that everything you put out into the universe is still there so you can’t really lose anything. He made the parallel between the light of stars being millions of years old and our productions traveling away from us in the same way. Kind of reminded me of the time my flute teacher said only to make beautiful music because it will exist in the universe forever. Beautiful is a very objective word, of course.
I replied that I don’t know if it’s comforting because I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything yet.
Then he said “you’re still young”
(he is the same age as me)
I think it’s pretty awesome that I can still say that. I’m appreciative and I try my best not to take things for granted.
Actual quote: “when you get to sophomore year, people get more open about talking about their unhappiness” This past weekend was also super emotional (not on my part). I unexpectedly bonded so much with people and a lot of people opened up about their insecurities and mental states. It was refreshing, but still a source of negativity. I am trying, I really am. Today was an amazing day for me and I think it is because of my attitude. If you are cheerful and happy it really rubs off on other people too and then your mood remains happy. It’s a circle.