I sometimes suffer from this thing called Asian mom conscience. It’s really annoying because it hinders me from enjoying life. It’s like this. You start doing something that deviates from the master plan that was created for you even before conception (spoiler: the plan only exists in your head). This deviation could be something as trivial as watching a TV show or as large as taking a vacation even when you have literally no obligations ie. homework, studying, research, reading, community service, etc. Or ok even if you do have some obligations. So what? As long as you’re not harming anyone I think I should feel comfortable being non academic for some period of time. Like for example if you have a child and you abandon him/her to take a resort holiday, that is irresponsible and inexcusable. I feel like I gauge things I do by measuring the chance they have of getting me ahead in life. But these things are pretty limited in the sense that going out and ‘discovering yourself’ and ‘learning new, interesting things’ via movies, socializing, traveling, etc. are not labeled in my mind as one of these milestones towards a perfect life (OK that isn’t really the goal).
The perplexing portion is that my parents are not strict, tiger, and authoritarian. My parents have high expectations of me, but they love and value relationships, movies, traveling, and just getting more.
It’s super annoying how the constant nagging always stays with me. I feel like I should be doing something more ‘productive’ which is such an ambiguous word. It’s so bad to the point that I have to force myself to be unproductive because I know this is not the type of person I want to be. I don’t want to be a boring academic stickler who follows the rules and does everything right and then gets a good job and marries and has children–a woman who lives happy but inexperienced always feeling like she missed out on something. D r a m a t i c. I know. But I have so much time to do whatever I want right now, I don’t know why I can’t just be happy doing nothing and watching movies or socializing or listening to music. It’s such a source of frustration for me. I want to be more carefree and do whatever the hell i want and have fun without feeling guilty. I booked two trips on a whim with my friends for this break and it feels kind of wrong. I’ve been debating about what classes to take this semester and I think I’ve asked everyone I know for advice. People always say to do what I want and take the classes I want to take and I think the reason I don’t take the plunge and I keep asking for advice is because I’m waiting for someone to tell me to just stick with the life plan and take the requirements. But frustratingly, no one has said that to me yet. I’m painfully unsure of myself which is why I always everyone and their grandmothers for advice.