I’m listening to Brave by Sara Bareilles which may or may not be giving me a false measure of my courage. Maybe.
College is so NOT wholesome. Half of me is like wHaTeveR let me have these four years for fun and enjoyment. But then I go to all these intellectual and ‘inspirational’ and ‘thought-provoking’ talks and lectures where they say college is a place where you discover yourself and you should leave with a sense of civic duty and responsibility. OK. So as long as I feel like serving the community when I graduate, have I been fulfilled by this institution. You can probably tell by the way I’m writing that I’m getting dumber. Also I can’t see or think clearly because my head hurts and is experiencing so much tension from illness (TBA).
The bit of honesty and angst which I sort of only kind of want to address regards Boys. A Boy. oooooohhhhhh
I’m blushing already.
Sorry for the hype. It’s not a boyfriend, or even a boy of interest. The problem is actually a boy of uninterest. Of uninterest to me if you didn’t catch that.
I don’t even want to talk about this anymore. Short version is:
There was a guy with who I was friends and involved. He was interested and I think I was interested. But I was not too devoted to the idea of a relationship, the relationship, or him. Then one day he sent me a text message that said he has tied the knot with a girl and he would like for me to be his best man.
Ridiculous, I know.
RATHER, he told me he is now ‘taken’ not like in that scary movie, but in the sense that he really likes this girl and she likes him back and they mutually decided to like each other and no one else in that way. I get it. I mean I totally do. There are a lot of people in the world who make such decisions. I too would like to be one of these people when I grow up.
I was shocked by this text message because it was unexpected (what else are you shocked by dummy?) and unfoundedly courteous. ‘Let’s not flirt or touch or do anything suggestive of more than a friendship anymore because I’m with this other girl now.’ I didn’t really know what to make of it. I thought OK does this change my life? Kind of but I don’t care. But like my inner gossip girl kept urging me to care more. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE A DRAMA QUEEN. DO IT. So as much as I didn’t care, I pretended to care. It just felt like the right thing to do. I know this must sound really contrived and my friends are probably thinking, “how the hell was I ever friends with this girl?” And as facetious this whole post may seem, I can assure you that I’m being so serious in saying this. It was disconcerting that I did not feel more disappointment upon hearing this news. So I pulled together the whole existential show and asked why (in my head, not to random people).
Examples for entertainment purposes: WHY does he have to put the responsibility on me? HE’S the flirt and now I’M responsible for rejecting his advances? Does this mean we can’t be f r i e n d s ? Were we ever? Was I just a hype that passed?
Since then a lot has happened though and now I’m floating in whatEveR land, a place where indifference rules and people with feelings are patronized.