Gosh I don’t write enough about my out-of-this-world amazing life. I was thinking of keeping this blog like totally PG for my professional life when I become a celebrity or mom (I wouldn’t want a Paula Deen situation on my hands). But then I realized that the people who know about this blog are people who A: hate me, B: don’t care about me, or C: are my best friends who know everything about me anyway. Additionally, I realized that I hate it when people who I secretly stalk write super ambiguous posts like “I wish she cared.” “Life is really handing me lemons right now.” Part of me wants to be like ugh you drama queen but then part of me wants you to ELAAAABORATE. So This Is Me Telling You More Than You Want To Know.
College is fun right now, but I suppose that’s because I don’t have a lot of work. I get stressed when I get 4 pages of reading because I forgot how to read and write over the last 6 months of idleness. My attention span is approximately 5 minutes. I have 4 huge lecture classes and the professors are pretty engaging and funny. My one class under 100 people is writing which has 14 people. At first, the intimacy was intimidating, but I’m starting to appreciate the fact that I’m allowed and actually encouraged to talk and laugh during class.
I’m trying to have a positive attitude because my mom told me I should. I complain so much and I am so pessimistic and my mom told me that if I continue on this path, I will surround myself with similar people and I will end up being sad for the rest of my life. Prospect looks sunny and clear!
I just cried in the library. I suddenly felt sadness and then my eyes got watery but there were no tears because I have self control. It’s the 5th day of classes and I’m already crying. Shit. I had this mini breakdown because I was like Why am I always accountable for people, but no one is accountable for me? Why doesn’t anyone want to do stuff for me when I am perfectly willing to do stuff for them? I shouldn’t use absolutes. I’m sure my mom and dad and maybe a few other people would do stuff for me if it were that important to me.
College makes me really insecure. I feel fake because I do not feel as cheerful as I act to others. But then there’s that saying that if you keep telling yourself something, then you’ll start to believe it. Drugs are bad. Drugs are bad. The past few weeks have really been a test of my character and resilience and so far I have been failing. Kind of like my 1/12 that I earned during chemistry last class. I still seek approval from others to an unhealthy extent. I have extreme fear of missing out. I don’t value my own opinion. Whatever.
Then there’s the whole friend dilemma. To what extent are you supposed to go out of your way to make friends. I’m totally inclined to put my social life on the back burner and let things unfold. I mean I’m sure I’ll eventually have friends. But I know you can get into a lot of trouble with that attitude in life.