The other day I was at this event and the speaker prompted us to think of a superpower we would want. Not just a random superpower like invisibility or super speed, but one enhancement to your current self that would make you superb. Basically he asked us what we are good at. One person said her smile always made people happy. Someone else said he was good at physics. Nerd. Then this girl said something that struck me because it is something I so severely lack. She said she had the power of restoration. She likes to design rooms to make them beautiful. She also said she had the power to restore relationships and  mend bonds that had broken or frayed.

I have the power of destruction. I guess all humans do. Entropy prevails they said in chemistry while I was crying because I can’t memorize acids and polyatomic ions.

I destroy relationships so easily. In a split second I feel like everything I worked to build up is tumbling down. It’s like that scene in Miley Cyrus’s new music video where all the walls come tumbling down. It just made me cry because I was like why is everything breaking apart and why can’t I be a little more cautious with my words and actions. Like why? With one word, acronym, movement of my body, I destroy something that I appreciated so much. Maybe it’s because I take too much for granted. Maybe I’m rash and immature. I don’t know. What am I supposed to do? Stay mute and stagnant until I offend no one ever?

I look at my life and I see trails of tears and broken hearts and damaged people. Dramatic, I know.

I like having a clean conscience at least, so I apologize and throw away what little dignity I have left to make others feel better after I introduce doubt and worry and sadness and anger and resentment into their lives. (I swear I’m the serpent). And a lot of the times I will pursue drastic means to make myself feel better too. Selfish, I know.

But then I’m pretty damn stubborn and prideful too, so all through this, I keep questioning how genuine I’m being. Or am I just seeking approval? Fake, I know.

So PLEASE world. Give my heart a break. It can’t handle all this caffeine.

This started out with potential and now it doesn’t even make sense.


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