She wakes up to a putrid smell that overwhelms her room. The odor is familiar, but she can’t put a memory to the scent. It was something that should have been monumental–with a dash of regret and a pinch of sadness. As she lies on her bed with her eyes still closed, she thinks about last night. She remembers the weed and the cheap perfume. The laughter, the dancing. The sweat.

She planned the whole outing and it was exactly what she wanted. She enjoyed herself and got a copious amount of attention, but in the end, it was just humiliating. Humiliation always comes from the company of douchebags.

She wanted her memories and spirit to be purged. She always went into parties with nonchalance, not excited or eager, but willing to participate in the games, the loud laughter, the drugs, the small talk. She always exited with high spirits soon to be weighed down by regret.

Satan may have won this battle, but Christ will win the war.

She pulls back her curtains and rips off the plastic covering that minimized cold draft during the winter. She cranks the handle to open the window and let the odors escape. Create negative space. Create negative space.

The laughter of babies distracts her. She wants to peer outside, but she resists. Babies always made her cry. Maybe it was paranoia, but for her, they represented the unattainable portion of her hopes and dreams. Something deep inside told her that babies couldn’t be a part of her future, not even through hard work and good connections.

Cupping her forehead in her hands, she lays with her stomach on her bed and pieces together the events from late last night. I don’t even want to remember. The weight of humiliation chains her to her bed. The fumbling, the jeers. Dignity lost, only to be found in the folds of time which is never fast enough. She douses her clothes in perfume Contains alcohol and leaves them in a pile on the ground. But from her skin wafts a moist and foul scent. Curious, she can’t stop torturing herself because she knows it’s only a matter of time before the molecules overwhelm her senses and make her immune.

In the shower, the smell intensifies.
Wash your mouth.
And then it clicks. All bad deeds have the same odor. She had lost her virginity in this stench.


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