Dear

It’s sometimes so frustrating how right you were. With every new realization, I chuckle because I think past, angsty me is pretty hilarious. I don’t know how you did it. Well, I know it wasn’t intentional, but you managed to plant all these seeds in my head. And I’m slowly growing to understand you, your actions, your emotions. Or rather, humans, human nature, human emotions.

It’s so funny in a really sad sort of way. We go through life so immersed in our own lives that it’s impossible to even fathom how others feel, and more importantly how we make others feel. I’ve had a sizable share of relationships with friends and family. I’ve connected with a number of people on an emotional level. I’ve shared laughter and tears with numerous human beings. Yet I feel like I still have a hard time relating to other people and showing both empathy and sympathy.

With each new spark and the nurturing of each new relationship, I’m able to see how you felt. I gently teased you. I sent you barrages of texts. I begged you to talk to me. I complained endlessly to you. I asked you to tell me stories. I expected you to dissipate my boredom. I leaned on you, my crutch. I interrupted you. I used you.

I don’t know why you put up with it. Why you continued to support me. Why you listened to me. Why your answers grew terse. Why you let me drown out your life. Why you stopped answering. Why you got frustrated. Why you called me a basic bitch. Why you felt used. Why you cut me out of your life. Why you made real friends. Why you tricked me with fleeting enthusiasm.

But I guess I know now. Every time you got irritated with me or criticized me, I easily brushed it off, but now I’m starting to notice the flaws that you pointed out. I can’t help but to notice them in other people now. I partially feel more mature that I’m able to do that, but I wonder what’ll happen in the future when I keep accumulating knowledge of more and more faults. Will I destroy myself, will I hate all people, or will I become a perfect human being?

I get a little sad when I think about how destructive my selfishness can be and I can’t help but wonder who suffered the greater loss. I’m gonna go with me, since I’m the one sulking on my blog.

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