eating update

Remember when I said I would update readers on my eating habits?

I ate 2 eggs of the scrambled variety for brunch. I included gross American cheese and milk in that meal. It was kind of difficult to make because I’m incapable of turning on the stove because the electric flame lighter is dysfunctional and I am dysfunctional and I’m also afraid of gas and fire, so that doesn’t help either. Anyway, after I finally turned on the stove everything went pretty smoothly. Then at 5, I ate a clementine. Then at 9:30 I ate a gargantuan meal. I actually ate like 3 different meats with rice. And I ate potatoes too. And I ate oranges and apples. It was fantastic. Then my mother yelled at me for my horrid eating habit. I kept on complaining that I wanted a cookie and milkshake and my mom said I was craving sweet foods because I didn’t eat enough carbs throughout the day. My mother should be proud of me for turning on the stove and cooking myself a protein-rich breakfast to power me through the day. I agree that my eating habits suck, but on the bright side, I ate no sweets or junk food because we don’t have non-raw food in this household… Actually now that I’m thinking about it, I ate a few handfuls of chex mix at the library today. And I ate one grape gummy from Brian’s Welsh’s fruit snack pack.

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One thought on “eating update

  1. your eating skills are so basic/subpar, yo.

    a few mornings ago, i woke to the gentle touch of the first morning light. i rose, looked around at my surroundings, and for whatever reason i murmured to myself “today… today is a good day. a good day to gorge myself into depression.”

    and then i went back to sleep because it was like 7 and only unclassy people wake up at that time.

    eventually, though, i rose again, like a phoenix…or something and i decided to prepare myself a breakfeast (heh). i contemplated going for my standard eggs and bacon combo, but i decided against it. i was feeling slutty and i wanted something new. i opted for ghetto home fries. but that wasn’t enough. as i stood there ogling at the butter steaming and melting into my perfectly asymmetrically diced potatoes, i had an epiphany. i added leftover fried rice to my potatoes and i let that shit fry with my potatoes.

    and then to top it all off i added a spoonful (okay, two spoonfuls) of sour cream on top. it was delicious and i was at the right amount of stomach saturation.

    so i did it again and i hated myself like 80% more.

    for lunch i decided to have something light. so i ate like four pickles and the rest of the potato chips with sour cream and salsa. yep. i was at like 138% self-loathing at this point.

    the sheer exhaustion of my red-hot self-hate caused me to fall asleep (okay, it was the food, but whatever) and when i woke up it was already time for dinner. my mom bought sushi, it was like ghetto and all, but there was a lot of it–like twenty eight pieces and i’m pretty sure i ate all, but three.

    so now you see, my frand. now you see what i truly means to have deathly eating habits.

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