I have all the independence I could possibly want. To the surprise of many, my parents are really hands-off. I attribute this quality partially to their aloofness/cluelessness, but I’m pretty sure my parents know what they are doing for the most part, and they trust me and my siblings enough to leave us alone.
Recently, I have been feeling the tension of my cocoon though. My shell is getting too small. My exoskeleton is cracking shed. I want independence, not in the sense that I want my parents to leave me alone, but I want to be able to do things alone. I’m starting to feel the guilt and burden of the wealth of clothes, money, material goods, time my parents offer me. I don’t know why this suddenly came over me, but I feel really appreciative of all the things my parents do for me, and consequently I feel guilty for wasting their money and asking them to drive me around for frivolous reasons. Maybe it’s because they paid the College Board approximately $1000 for college applications and AP tests and all, and my parents will most likely have to pay 60 grand for college regardless of where I go. I feel this urge to earn money, yet it seems so fruitless to try to earn money when I keep engaging myself in exorbitant, money sucking college classes and trips and outings.
It makes me antsy and tense inside thinking about how reliant I am on my parents. I know they love me and want to provide for me (maybe a little too much sometimes), but I want to feel the satisfaction of providing for myself. Doing well in school is suddenly not satisfying enough for me. I really want to do something different with my life. I just need to figure out what.