It takes me so long to realize what is most evident. I thought I was supposed to be able to think scientifically and deductively. Whenever I am given an unstructured period of time, I suddenly get overwhelmed and stressed. The stress is so unwarranted considering I have so much time to do whatever I would like, but the prospect of having free time is quite frightening. I guess the most burdening part is that I actually do have obligations, and these obligations become the most apparent during these tiempos de ocio (studying for Spanish midterm tomorrow whaddap).
I want to do so much, but there is so little time. I really want to tutor a lot of people and be in pit orchestra, but I think I have to give these up so that I can take a gov class at a college because it doesn’t fit in my schedule because of band. Can you believe I’m paying a thousand dollars to be in school band? But I guess I owe it to my band director, and I owe it to the music department. In no way am I an asset to my school’s music department, but I went to all-state and all-county sponsored by the music department and they have offered me a myriad of opportunities through my high school career. I also do support music education, so it would be utterly hypocritical to be a proponent of music and music in schools without being a part of the music department. So while very few understand this seemingly wasteful output of money and time, priorities and values are worth the sacrifice. To be honest, I’m having a hard time convincing myself of these so-called-values of mine, but the pressure and guilt is enough to keep me going for now.