Friend files

Disclaimerrrrrrrrrrr: This post is so long omg and it was mostly nonsensical garbage, but take a look if you want to read about my insecurities and my friend Albert.

I’m starting this thing where I talk about a friend. Tell me if you want me to write one for you. I might not write one for you if you ask, but don’t be offended. I have to be in the mood. And you all know I have so many friends so it’s hard to keep the floodgates intact.

Blah blah blah don’t know how to start this off so here goes the first sentence. Maybe this is kind of like the way we met. Oooh good analogy Meena. Ugh I don’t know how to write this. I guess I should start out by categorizing/profiling our relationship. Probably in the book of how to make good friends they say not to do this, but I’m going to place our relationship in a file folder because I don’t know what else to do. See how everything comes back to me? This is about you, not me. I take it back. This is about me, not you.

In complete honesty, I still don’t know if I consider you my friend. I’m not used to this sort of thing. You know. Having friends. Pity me.

At least from my side of the keyboard, it’s still that awkward phase where I would just tell people that you’re my friend if I were to bring you up in a conversation, but I would hesitate ever so slightly before murmuring that long one syllable word. I don’t know why. I have this superiority complex where I feel like no one can be my friend because I’m so much better than everyone. Or perhaps, and this is more likely, it’s an inferiority complex where I don’t think people are actually friends with me until ..he/she completes a quest that reveals the nature of their true heart. I don’t know what it is honestly. I guess people who like to think they have problems (pet peeve) would label this (‘this’ meaning my hesitance to bestow deserving people with the title of friend) “trust issues.” And then those same self-pitying people would go on to say that it’s just my personality so others will have to deal with it. Fine I’ll actually try to be serious and honest. I think this non-problem of mine stems from the fact that in school and other places where I spend a lot of time, people tend to be like Hi Minah! and be all cutesy and nice to me in a half facetious manner and these people just like me (or like the concept of me) but don’t plan on actually talking to me or being friends with me. Okay my life may sound pathetic , but please use your pity somewhere else because I love all my friends and I actually like that everyone says hi to me because they are not condescending (which is the worst) and have no malicious intent (and there is the stating things matter of factly pet peeve)

Okay, but back to profiling, I get a 40% older brother vibe from you which is natural, I guess, with the age difference. They say age is just a number, but it really isn’t. If you are more than 3 years older than me and are on a normal track of life, meaning at 3 years older than me you are in college or working, you are more mature than I am. And I know there are exceptions, but with those years make a difference and even if someone may not act more mature, they are most likely more mature and hopefully have greater insights about the world, life, love, death, happiness, etc.

Getting back to you, there’s some good platonic love going on. We’re usually mean to each other, but all in good spirit. The level of mean, negative comments is less severe than in my relationship with my besties or with those boys who think it’s their job to insult me and perhaps lower my ego in the process by calling me every disgusting, rude name. You’re pretty restrained when it comes to the insults (you sometimes call me butthead), but I think you’re genuinely a nice person who doesn’t direct malicious words towards people, maybe?. Probably because you don’t care. Or because we are both fantastic writers and value the meaning of words. Nice self promo. I hope this isn’t critical. I don’t mean it to be. Maybe I’ll edit. Or not. Back to the older brother vibe, I get the vibe because you’re pretty encouraging and have that ability to make people feel better. kudos. I mean you never really give real advice which is good because who wants advice.. You’re never directly like I believe in you! You can do it! but you’re not indifferent in the least. And you don’t tell me weird inspirational stories or ‘I know this person who’ stories. Okay come to think of it, you don’t tell me stories at all. wow failure of a friend over here. Segue into personal rant from Minah. In so many of my relationships, I talk more. Even if the friend is talkative, he/she will talk about nothing. I always share personal angsty teen stories and no one ever reciprocates. No one is an overstatement I guess. I have my squareloaf girlfriends for that (shoutout).

I find that when I write things and people read them, they think that these are my values and thoughts set in stone. I’m a normal teenage girl and I change my mind every day. Everything I’ve written here represents my thoughts at the moment so don’t go changing yourself. I only say this because I think writing often sticks with people and influences their decisions later. Later someone who read this might think about it when he/she is with me and then they are going to act differently because they think I meant something that I didn’t mean. Wow vague. For example, people might gather from this that I really hate it when people tease me or make fun of me or criticize me, when that really is not the case! If our relationship is thriving off negativity, So Be It!

This is difficult to write and I haven’t even said anything yet. wah. I can’t do this. Continuing.

the other 50% is like relaxed, pretty unbiased, fun to talk to ish friend. and the other 10% is stranger status. Just because I feel I still don’t know a lot about you. For the first few weeks of knowing you I was slightly creeped out (I know, it should be the other way around) because I  knew nothing about you and I felt like I was befriending a random person I met on the street. Usually when I become friends with people I have some preconceived notions and such (and if I don’t I’ll just stalk them on facebook), but I actually had none about you which was so foreign to me. Who knows what happened in your past? And I couldn’t tell if you were really smart or really stupid or nice or mean or anything. It was a really bizarre feeling to not have a reading on someone. I still can’t figure you out, maybe you’re a robot, but reading your blog certainly helps. ish. Actually I can’t tell if blogs and social media help or hurt relationships. I feel like 1) tumblr is a more of a social networking concept than blog but that is totally unrelated and I just wanted to say that 2) more importantly, people take blogs too seriously. They see something I’ve written and then assume I wrote it about them and then will comment or ask me about it. Like calm down. If the content or tone of my posts upsets you then pretend I made it up. Sometimes I make things up or totally dramatize my mood. I’m allowed to write fiction, am I not?

Once again I’m talking about myself and what have I said about you? I’m really bad at this. See, I feel like these type of posts are supposed to make your friends smile and laugh and feel good about themselves, but I really don’t think I’ve accomplished that. I’ll try harder.

So for a parting thought, I think you are intelligent and thoughtful and interesting. You’re so uninhibited in your writing. I enjoy your sarcasm and self-deprecation. I really like your writing which is a lot coming from me I think. It’s like angsty teen with sophistication. I’m kidding, I think you’re witty and confident and write interesting sentences and I’m envious actually. I can tell that despite the previously mentioned sarcasm and self-deprecation, you do care a lot about a lot of things. You’re passionate (am I allowed to say that?) and honest and wow I’m throwing around a lot of adjectives here. I was being genuine though.

That’s it. I hope you weren’t expecting a lot. Maybe I’ll try again later when and if we get closer. Anyway before this turns into a cheesefest, I must stop for all my lactose intolerant readers out there (shoutout).

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