I’m so tired of you. I don’t like you anymore. I mean of course I do. You are everything I love.

I remember when I first started thinking about you. The thought of you made me so nervous and anxious, yet you occupied every wrinkle of grey matter. I cried over you and spent days and weeks thinking about you. and in the end I poured my heart and soul out to you. Then I was happy with you. You and I were one. So in sync. I had such satisfaction with the way everything worked out.

But then I got so tired of staring at you. I became immune to your crispness and honesty, and everything kind of smeared together into a blur. I saw other you’s around and you suddenly seemed so insufficient. The bright colors and vivid images that you used to evoke faded into the distance and only memories were left. You used to be newly fallen crisp leaves on the ground, the highlight of my autumn, but the intermittent rain and snow turned you into sludge. You kept on lingering, but all I wanted was to clean up the mess and push you away.

My love for you still exists. I’m frustrated and tired, but I promise I do love you because I know you are still honest, and I trust you. I trust myself.

My dear essays, I think I must send you off to college now.


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