Crumbling like a cookie

When does worry go away? When will I ever be at peace? School hasn’t started and I’m already worrying and freaking out. While I still have full faith that everything will work out, I’m terrified that I will crumble under the pressure. These past few days have been emotionally and mentally taxing. I think a few years have been cut off my lifespan potential. Seemingly large decisions lay (lie?) before me, yet I continue to run away and occupy myself with TV or movies or friends in efforts to avoid the ominous decisions that linger over my head. When viewing the ‘big picture’, I’m being petty, as usual.

These decisions will not be life changing, but either way I will not be satisfied. If I go through then I may possibly hate my life and face hardship, and if I quit, I will be disappointed with myself, but happier and calmer possibly. My rational, practical side is completely disagreeing with my gut feelings and quite frankly, I have no idea what to do. A while back, I posted something regarding my philosophy: that challenging myself to the highest degree will always be of benefit. I may go against my own philosophy right now. For once, I want to try taking an easier route, the road more traveled. I know I know. I’m a sellout and a coward, but it’s important to recognize your limits right? Or maybe these limits that I am creating for myself are hindering me from progress. I DON’T KNOW. Am I overthinking? Am I seeking approval? Am I insecure? 

I have so much to do this fall semester and I am so tempted to make a practical decision because my life will be regardless be challenging, it’s just a matter of how much I can challenge myself and how far I can push myself. There are no limits Minah.. OH BUT THERE ARE. I’ve taken multiple approaches to this problem. I’ve talked to too many people, weighed the pros and cons, rolled around, and cried a little and no one solution favors another. Unfortunately, ultimately, the decision is mine and has to be made now. Disappointing someone, whether it be myself or someone else, is inevitable, and I will have to endure difficult consequences either way. Oh the joys of decision making. The joys of obligations. The joys of growing up. faklsdgaslj;fjagsdjglafgjdf peace.


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