changing clocks

I’ve been such a vegetable as of late. Maybe it’s because my body in its natural circadian rhythm is so unused to actively exercising the brain at this time of year. No, rather, I am unused to having to motivate myself and engage my social feelers. Summer is about relaxing, having fun, smiling, and going with the flow. Time to put down the facade and have some time for myself. You know? 

So in this educational and academic environment that I am in for 8+ hours everyday, I find it extremely disconcerting that I don’t feel a great amount of ambition to be proactive, engage in activities, ask questions, or even pretend to be really excited and happy. Undoubtedly, I am genuinely interested in all of this research and I am excited and looking forward to getting engaged in the lab, but I’m not one to show much outward emotion. Usually I have to force myself to put on an excited face to relay to other people my genuine emotions, but I just don’t have energy for such forced emotions. I nod and I willingly participate in all matters, and afterwards I often find myself feeling bad about my lack of effort in feigning interest. All these people are trying to help me, yet I can’t even put on a good face to show my appreciation. I always say thank you and smile but usually, those gestures aren’t enough. I know how to give people the affirmation they need. I’m just really bad at executing.

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